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[01 Aug 2024|04:05am]

[01 Feb 2010|01:23pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Crystal Castles - Magic Spells ] So many things i could say. So few i will. I'm in the process of fixing my sleep schedule. Staying up until strange hours isn't cutting it for what i need to do. It's been a bit difficult to sift through to the point lately. My home is constantly invaded by people that i have extremely violent thoughts toward. It's not unwarranted, but it's unwanted. My car has been out of commission for the past month. Getting it looked at in the next day or two which is fun. I was going to see Laurence, but his work called him back to Cali. This is likely for the best as i hadn't tested out my car in a bit and it would've been a debacle had i tried to get to him. Saturday is the typology meetup in NYC. I'm looking forward to it, nervously. It may snow so it will either be an adventure or an adventure. I read half of The Awful German Language by Mark Twain, courtesy of Avis from the forums. I was commenting on how angry German sounds by default so he sent me a link. It's quite amusing and i need to get to the second half of it. Avis also sent me a clip of him reading German poetry that i was ecstatic about. A few people have sent me tidbits from their lives outside of the forums and i've sent a few tidbits myself. It's refreshing and exciting in its own way, sharing things that don't need to be shared at all. Cali-Matt and My Bennie are good. All of our futures and desires are a bit up in the air and it's a lot of give and take in our conversations. It's good though. Mm i still need to plan for visiting them both. There's a lot to get sorted very soon - in general. As for everything else, who knows. Communication seems to be this underestimated thing that everyone likes to drop the ball on. It's disappointing and hurtful. As long as it's not acknowledged then there surely isn't any issue, correct? Eh, maybe to some people.. or most. I've grown tired of that supposed logic, but i've also grown tired of being the first to jump for something. Tired logic is tired. That's all. Be well, kids. Eat Faces

[18 Jan 2010|05:21am] I haven't written in the 2+ weeks that 2010 has been. This place just hasn't felt like home in a while, like i need to warm up to it all over again. I found another home for my thoughts and it is far more welcoming. It's not surprising. I watch my words here because i can care too much when it matters too little. For two years i was this shell of a person in here, desperately hoping for something that wasn't about to come. A year before that i was cataloging and mourning the end of three close friendships. A year before that i was entrenched in the inevitable downfall of the only relationship i ever really wanted to keep, yet the downfall i mostly caused. This place has seen every fluctuation in who i've been and what i've thought. I damage control myself here. No one else can damage control me. First off, anyone in a place of understanding and respect hasn't done so. Second off, anyone else can only try haphazardly. Maybe sometime i'll disclose the full extent of my feelings for everyone to keep misunderstanding. It's getting to a point where i just don't give a fuck about choosing my words wisely anymore. It's not worth it, not now. Everything just feels like a repeat of three years ago so why not? Hopefully something nicer in the near future. Be well, kids. Eat Faces

[28 Dec 2009|04:14pm] [ mood | determined ] This entire month has been dedicated to slacking for me. I started writing things elsewhere, but not so many daily things. I keep evaluating myself and making connections in regards to personality type. I've begged off to keep it out of here for a bit, but i'm sure it will make its way over more. I don't expect this next bit to be understood (suppose i'm bringing it in immediately though), but my Dominant Fe (Extraverted Feeling) and Auxiliary Ni (Introverted Intuition) are being worn down a lot right now. That's what i mean about slacking. It's all focused on thought and my Tertiary Se (Extraverted Sensing) is itching to come out and play. It's yelling at me to take a break from Fe and Ni, abandon all thought and get going. I will happily cave. I'm closer to my usual self. I got lost for a good while there and have had the pieces, but was really uncomfortably putting them back together. My self esteem and self confidence barely existed, but i've shaken it up and back into place. My usual self can still stand to be better, of course. I need to do things to make my house feel more like my home. I need to mellow out and enjoy myself while still prioritizing. I need to care more.. not about more things.. but more visibly about what i do care about. I need to make this shell of a body feel more like a home to my mind and like more of a tool to whatever life success i seek to obtain. I'm glad that it isn't causing me crippling anxiety now and that, if it does, i will have people to talk to about it. I'm glad i'm not so negative or self-depreciating anymore. A lot of internal accomplishment can be gained in only a few months, but i need more to show for it. - Apart from that! I played Xbox 360 for the first time yesterday. I royally sucked trying to play Pure, but it was fun. I switched over to Lego Batman which is also heaps of fun. I can't wait to get an FPS... because i will suck at that more than anything else, but it will be awesome! Wii Sports Resort is good. I love that they added more to do and it unlocks more options. It reminds me of WiiFit in that respect despite Wii Sports doing that as well. Just Dance is absolutely amazing. I can't wait to be rid of this gigantic Christmas tree so more people can come and play. It's hard not to get into it :). I'm about to have a fairly busy night so that's all. Be well, kids! I'll post/comment more. I miss a lot of you.. or have to get to know some of you better in the first place! Eat Faces

.Merry Christmas!. [25 Dec 2009|11:52am] [ mood | good ] [ music | Rilo Kiley - Xmas Cake/ The Knife - Reindeer ] Merry Christmas, kids. Or whatever you'd prefer me to say that i'm not going to say because i don't care enough :p. I was up until 5am showering and trying to finish my cookies. The preparation time is such a bitch, but i'm almost done. I was told that i shouldn't bring cookies to my G'ma's... which leaves me bringing nothing over there ha. I can feel like even more of a Grinch, but whatever. There's always next year and the years after :x. Hmm i haven't updated with what i've been up lately, apart from the typology forums. Last Friday i went to Becky's with Stephen for 2/3s of our cookie-exchange. I need to get mine to them this weekend. Their cookies were Uh-Mazing. Thank you both! :) I hung with Deb on the weekend and bestowed cookies on her. Saturday-Sunday was unbelievably snowy. Deb took me along to brave the shoddy roads to Rachel's. We ate chinese food and stayed over. Monday we went to breakfast before baking commenced at Rachel's. It was cool. Her Mom is a sweetheart, Rachel is great, and Deb is ridiculous :p. The cookies were also delicious. We then braved Kohl's which was scary, but i saw some things i liked and had recently received a gift card for them from my Aunt. Tuesday! I really don't remember. Oh! I saw Princess and the Frog with Deb, Rachel, and Christina. It was enjoyable and different from the usual feel of Disney. Wednesday i went back to Kohl's with my Dad to get the things i liked and managed to pick up a few bras, as well. We didn't eat dinner until 9:30 since we were out and about for so long ha. Yesterday.. i started the baking process.. after some procrastination. Deb stopped by to give me 2 awesome things: Zombie Survival Guide and a Butters decal for my car :D. All is well and good. Today! Christmas Day! I dragged ass out of bed at 9:30am. Ryan had already opened his presents, but i was fine with that. Still saw him and the cool stuff he got before he had to go. My Dad had me opening things fairly immediately. So here's the lineup from my Mom and Dad: Shirts, 2 Hats, Purse (it's a total 'my mom' bag heh), Gloves, Plaid Flannel Pajamas, Jeans, Underwear, Slippers, Wii Motionplus, Wii Just Dance, Wii Sports Resort, and MOTHERFUCKING XBOX 360 :x. Aka- my life is complete. Aka- Becky we are playing MOTHERFUCKING XBOX 360! and Wii! and Fun! and anyone else can come join the fun because Hell Yes. Also- "Hell Yes" is indeed a reason. If you question it.. i'll eat you for Christmas dinner XD Otherwise i've been talking to Cali-Matt frequently, as per usual. I feel half subdued and half.. not. It's good. We have a good friendship. I think when we're both functioning at our maximum capacities that the world will tremble in fear... and we'll simply laugh and carry on. Typology forum/vent is also good. I'll rant about that at a later point. Be well, everyone! Merry Christmas! Enjoy yourselves and hope that you get things you want or at least get good times to share with good people :) 13 Eaten | Eat Faces

[17 Dec 2009|12:21am] [ mood | calm ] For the past two weeks i've found myself caught up in little addictive things that just let me pass the time. When i was ready to stop procrastinating, i found my way into a second addictive path. The difference is that it's actually useful to me. All of the delving into personality types and traits, along with the forums and ventrilo, have helped my mind feel less erratic. I can assess the type i apparently am and see what fits. For me, that is relieving. My type, specifically, is prone to being very intense and that can turn into being very isolated (or feeling very isolated). ENFJ's are prone to focusing more intently on what is going on with other people as opposed to problem solving for themselves.. and can still manage to feel alone when around others. These things are all so apparent to me and it's nice to know that it encompasses a lot of other traits and that there are other people who are messy little packages of a lot of the same. While these things are good to know, they'll do nothing for me if they aren't understood and utilized. If i find myself isolated? Analyze it and determine if i am being too intense or closed off from others. If i focus too much on others? Take a step back and a breath to begin evaluating and focusing inwardly. If i feel alone in social situations? Either accept it or make myself relevant. Basically what i gather from all of this typing is that i am an underdeveloped ENFJ. I have a lot of potential for good and i see the path to reach that potential, but i am not yet walking it. Even that is a bit off base. I've been walking a sub-path for a while now, but there's a larger and more direct path in sight. Anyway, the past 3 days have been teetering on that line between getting sucked in even deeper and doing nothing or actually utilizing what motivation and understanding i gain. Tomorrow morning begins the utilization and i am trying to keep even more positive or more self-understood than i have been. It's good. I need to be up to par because this is helping me to recognize the possibilities. I've also realized that this is my livejournal and i quite honestly can't give a fuck about what people do and don't gather from it. This is where i sort myself out and obtain my personal growth. I won't hesitate in here anymore like i feel i have been. It's not who i am, nor who i want to be. That's another thing that i need to determine- other people may have my focus and my concern, but i refuse to let them have control over my actions if that control fails to benefit me. I'm contemplating a lot of future concepts and it's all very interesting and it does rely on other people as well as myself, but the thing that i am accepting is what may benefit me. I feel that's the way i'm going to consider things while i'm not up to par. It's a bad combination otherwise. Blahdiblah. 'Dry your eyes. Life is sweet.' All of that jazz. Be well kids. I have faith in all of you, of course. 1 Eaten | Eat Faces

.ENFJ. [13 Dec 2009|07:33pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Regina Spektor - Machine ] I've been sucked away from here thanks to my mind and my curiosities. It was actually nagging at me to come and share because of what i've been up to lately. Briefly, i'll update on life things before i jump into the rest of it. My room is getting cleaned, but slowly. Tomorrow i need to wake up earlier and prioritize. I'm feeling far better about determining my priorities and actually getting to them. I had a fantastic conversation a few nights back with Deb about people and motivation. We're going to help fuel each other and i think we disclosed a lot of good things to make that an actuality. Home has been getting a few things done regarding Christmas. We have a tree now and it is standing, nakedly, beside me. I haven't even thought about Christmas shopping.. though i know it's necessary for family. I feel like i've been helping out a little bit more, but not too much. I should. Rather, i will. Jim came by the other night and we sat outside and BSed for a while. I'll admit this now because i don't like things staying in my head when i reconsider them. There was a month where i felt adversely toward him (you, sorry) because of a negative outlook. It wasn't all him though. I got to a point where i felt very constricted and was isolating myself by not being open. It turned into agitation and, looking back on it, i feel like i was being a complete ass. I've had a bit of trouble in my life with evaluating my situations with others and taking too long to rectify them. There were times where i would go years without opening up directly and then spent years not reconciling when i found the fault. I've reeled that in a lot even though it's still apparent. Anyway. Here is where some of you can completely stop paying attention or continue on (assuming you didn't stop already, but what-the-fuck ever :p) I've been looking into personality types a lot lately. MBTI, to be specific. I know that i took a test or few over the years and paid it no mind at all, but Cali-Matt has been immersed in it and suggesting i take a peek and go to a forum he is on since i started talking to him. I finally gave in and took a better look. The basics that i've gathered from my type of ENFJ is that they tend to be caring and helpful people who are often very intense. They derive their contentment through their interactions with others, something they put a lot of stock into. They are social creatures hellbent on bringing out the potential they see in others and they have a strong common knowledge of them. Obviously it is more in-depth and with technical terms, but i can't wrap my mind around all of that just yet. The full read-out makes sense to me as how i am/how i can inevitably be. I've taken a few other tests that resulted in ENFP so i proceeded to read a bit on that and then the differences between "J" and "P". I share a lot in the realm of ENFP, as well, but i'm not sure if it is my basis. I think it is just a secondary to the actuality of being ENFJ. Yes, i know. Personality type blather. I can't say it will stop here, but it fascinates me. I've spoken with a few ENFJ's already who have shared many of the same feelings and experiences as i have. It fits in a number of ways and it's interesting to see where the people i know could be in the mix and why. It's also good for me because i've needed to determine the commonalities and differences in myself and others who are potentially like me. This is cocky, but of course i'm still a 'special snowflake'. Things of this nature can help me to pinpoint why/why not. God this is a long post. Sorry to your friend pages. I need to remember to keep up in here though. The forums have really helped my motivation with certain things and a bit more understanding of me and my need to catalog myself. I'm not sure if my sporadic 'omfg so much nonsense!' is coming across in here, but it's also because tonight is the Dexter finale! Dexter! Finale! I am both excited and saddened, but it's mixed in with all of this typing mumbo jumbo. It might be making something awful :p. That's all. Be well, kids! Eat Faces

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