Reminiscent Ponderings

Years between us; my sanctuary and I. However, few things have altered in the interim.

I've come to find that the stresses and dramatics and isolations and joys just find new ways to express themselves in our lives. It molds itself and takes shape to expectation. The feeling of drowning and gasping for air that isn't there is still the same. Perhaps less comfort to be found for it, despite more knowledge and logic surrounding it. The elation deadens, because passion is a plagiarism. It is... Stifling.

I suppose I'm feeling somewhat reflective. I binged the series 13 Reasons Why, and caught myself thinking of my youth. Times like this, and deadjournal. Times where my world felt so immense, and there didn't seem to be another choice but to be dramatic about it while being consumed by it. Times where there didn't necessarily have to be a filter of any kind. As I've said, these things do morph.
I remember writing every little insignificant detail that made up who I believed I was, and what might keep me intact to myself. I still do.. On days when I remember that it does still matter. I remember not believing I'd survive past 25. Not because I was suicidal. I wasn't. I just simply couldn't fathom existing any further. I think there is a very distinct difference between those two things, and that there always has been in my world. I remember pouring my heart and soul out, and all of the aspects of me that I found relevant. I still do, of course, in more stringent doses. A lot of tears were shed in the past. A lot of mountains and walls were built. Some that kept others out, and some that kept bits of me in. Sometimes they are built all over again. I remember isolation, and things that I didn't let get the better of me. Some of which should have, while others shouldn't have grazed me in the slightest.
However, I was social and well-received. I had a network of lost-and-found souls to seek comfort in, even when I felt at my lowest. Overall, I remember having an enjoyable experience and at no point would I have ever really changed it, no matter how long, dreary, and dismal the entries were.

(no subject)

I still feel, in small twinges, that I have abandoned some aspect of soul and sanity by venturing away from here.
I feel, very often, that I have betrayed some semblance of my self-proclaimed necessity to disclose myself.
As though I began running from something and never stopped to really take the breath and assessment enough to piece it back together. To make it the home it once was.
Privacy policy, and I don't like it in my heartplace.
Because who is to really know anything?
Because who is to really be able to even begin to try.. without being handed the tools?

I used to be in one place and one place alone. I used to have a secured spot for myself where I could be sought out, and all of the little discrepancies weren't a choice for another location, but a choice for whether or not they existed at all.
Now I am scattered, and there is rarely one cohesive thought in any given area.
I am fragments for a secret public.

Perhaps on the day that I begin to not fear again I will feel more whole... or simply like more of a fool. Mm.

aeon ready

It's Been A Long Time, Sunshine

Over two months... and I'm settling in so smoothly with the swing of things.
The first day of classes was interesting, despite how long ago that was. I remember that I was warm all over, anxious and almost embarrassed. My English professor introduced himself by saying he plays too many videogames and likes zombies. I was quickly at ease.
Things have been going smoothly ever since. Well, apart from Math, but I'm fixing that as of tomorrow (or attempting to). I like OCC (my college) and the people are nicer than anticipated. I'm lucky to have matured in ways and to be a social creature. It's made the transition a bit easier.
Currently, I'm in the literary club and art club. We meet infrequently, which works just fine for me. I've developed a social life amidst the schooling. It's still hovering between balance and imbalance, but I am handling it as best as I can for the moment. I still Zumba often, and have started other aspects of working out. Weight loss is a big part of my adventure, apart from being a student. It's going well, although it could go better. I'm more concerned about keeping a positive state of mind. There are no real rewards in feeling misery despite all accomplishments.
I'm taking myself in stride, basically. Overall, becoming a better version of myself. :nods:

A lot has gone on that I can't begin to cover. Some of it is repetitive, while some of it isn't in the slightest. I'm just pleased to be thinking and doing as I am.

Lately, I've been far more in tune with my feelings. I frequently feel pleasantly overwhelmed. I'm still an emotional-lockbox, but less so. I don't feel as cagey, or as though my thoughts or emotions are unwarranted. I don't feel judged for them. If I do, I don't feel vulnerable to them and others. I just feel good.. and it feels good to feel.

Usually, I'd attribute this to a significant other. While my relationship is going very well now and I love him very deeply, we did have a decent rocky period already and I stood my own ground despite it. My good feeling is my own. My relationship is a warm embrace around how solid I've been. It's proven to be the best test of my self-sustaining and the importance of my significant other, separately.

I hope everything is well with all of you- or that everything moves closer toward the path of being well.
I will post more soon. Many little updates to tell of and the like! I've slacked on that weight loss filter, but it's just the right kick in the butt that I need right now. :)

  • Current Music
    Ani Difranco - Swim

(no subject)

Tidbits from another land of my mind:

I'm marking the reality of my own responsibility. It's always a strange thing, standing behind the curtain, curiously watching the players of life, reciting their lines with precision. They are always so well practiced and confident in their mannerisms. I roam from one side to the other, learning lines that I've barely skimmed over before. The difference is that I have studied the set in its very elaborate detail. I've built it up from the ground, crouched low and sifted dust through my fingertips. I've given myself the atmosphere in which to prosper. A lot of people tend to crumble without the proper conditions. They can go through the motions superbly, but something tends to be a miss. This also doesn't have to be an external atmosphere, although it's being implied. It is a very internal thing.
I've always worried that developing a routine in life, like the normal waking world, would deprive me of the depth of myself. There were days where I would forget the sky, forget the simple things that breathed into my essence. How we each see things is our own. I am always afraid of losing my way. In this moment, I realize that my fear of losing such a thing is exactly what will keep it from becoming lost on me. In ways, our fears are what keep things alive in us. I fear tidbits from the past happening in the present. It keeps the past alive in me. I fear the dark, wherein I'll never forget that there is darkness to be afraid of. I fear aspects of myself becoming lost, therefore they will be prevalent. Etc. If we manage to drown these things out, it is after much additional effort to battle ourselves.
These things are also a product of time and luxury. The main reason that I've gained myself is through the ability to sift life at my pace. My wordly ideals are altered and I am altered. It's difficult to lose touch with that completely, regardless of which side you are tip-toeing on at any given moment.

School starts on Tuesday. You could say I am both relaxed and anxious all at once. In part, I feel a shaky nervousness, new and unaware. In part, I feel a satisfied steadiness, assured in itself. Always two sides all at once.
This semester should be a fairly nice starting point. I'm just worried about my car for the first week. It's been giving me a hard time lately and I have an appointment scheduled for Thursday, but I don't know how it will hold up during the week. At least I'm not traveling far in the slightest. Poor vehicle.
I'm going to Zumba around 4 times a week now, which is awesome. It's become a fantastic habit again, but not one where I overexert myself. I'm going to ask one of the Zumba instructors about stretches for my knees. I'm a hot mess lately lol, but trying to get all of the kinks worked out.
This past Thursday, I went to the dentist. It had been six years, which was both mine and my Dad's faults. They found that I have 8 normal cavities and that my backmost upper molar on each side will need to be extracted. The good thing is that my wisdom teeth can slide into their place, or be helped along. I'm okay with all of this. Mainly because I have dental insurance again :p and there's no more 'need to go to the dentist' stress.

Besides all of that, I stopped really going places toward the end of July. I didn't want to spend much money, I wanted to relax, and I wanted to devote to myself. I ended up with Deb and Rachel a lot, but it was usually for small things. We would work on cleaning someone's fridge or helping someone pack. Other times were spent just lounging and watching things. Tiff joined for a few of those endeavors, which was nice. It was exactly what I needed, actually. I appreciate them for that. There are too few people that you can just sit and be with.
I also started reading The Sandman. It's really quite good and I should have gotten to it sooner. I forgot the joys of the internet at my fingertips though. I still need a library card, but I'll get to that when my car is better.
Life, in its way, has changed a lot over the past six years. I've changed a lot, despite my usual basis. My internal world has really flipped itself topsy turvy a few times, but I'm happy with where it's at now. :)

Be well, kids
  • Current Music
    Blonde Redhead - Black Guitar
aeon ready

(no subject)

Things are going pretty well with me. Still waiting for school to start up and still going to Zumba. I'll do more of an update in the near future.

This one has a main purpose!
It didn't dawn on me to make a Health/Fitness/Weight Loss filter in LJ, but that's what I'll be doing.
Anyone who is interested in reading along, please let me know and I'll add you to it. :)
Also, if anyone has a Sparkpeople account, feel free to share it in a comment or a pm and I'll add you.

I hope you're all doing well in the meantime!
  • Current Mood
    calm calm
aeon ready

Been a while..

On the whole, things have been good. School is coming up in a bit over a month, and i feel that it's going to go by quickly. I haven't been focusing on that factor. It's simply something that will be and i'll crash-course it when it comes closer.
Over a month ago, i started to keep rough track of calories. I also began to exercise more frequently. I could be far more strict and need to make some changes there. It's doing it's job and i'm pleased, but not satisfied. That will take a while. It's a necessary start and i'm glad for that.
The other day was the start of reading more. For a while, i was hung up in fantasy and things i could gain nothing from. Now i want to try to absorb more and apply it. It's a trait that i've always cocked my head to. I could always witness it, admiring it, but i could never associate it with myself. That will change. A lot will change. A lot has changed and it is like a clean slate, after all of the dings and dents have settled in.

I've been reclusive. Selective. I'm still going to karaoke and seeing the people i usually see, but less so. If it isn't relaxed, i don't want much to do with it. If it puts a strain on me, i don't want to be strained. I've had enough of that already and all it does is deter me from myself. Given, i can't escape all of it XD. Some things are unavoidable. Rather, some things will be made unavoidable by my core.
There were a few days where i escaped to Rachel's with Deb. It felt good. They are very relaxed and know what it is to have a good time by just being around one another. They accomplish things that need to be accomplished, but still allow it to be surrounded by pleasantries. Tiff joined us one night, which was quite nice. I don't get to see her enough these days. I'm so bad at keeping up with people sometimes. I definitely don't talk with Rachel enough either. Etc

In other news, i've been in a relationship since June. Usually, i zero in quickly and am aware. Another friend, Cris, had his gears turning and his intuition on high alert, which sparked mine. It helped that he had been around my boyfriend, Nathan, before we started dating. These boyfriends of mine, they keep getting further and further away. He's in Arizona, but i don't feel it to be as much of a problem as everything else. We're kind've just taking it all as it is. The feelings are established, but there is no rush and there's no imminent urge to be self-sacrificing from either end.
It's just nice and i could see it going far because of that. He's very intelligent, very supportive, and very in tune. It's probably the most comfortable i've felt with a relationship, even if he can drive me a little nuts already :).
When i sift through the usual Laurensanity, i realize that i am happy. In a lot of ways, i am happy.

I'm not going to go in detail here, but i realized last night that i need to remind myself of Chapter 21 - The Fox - in The Little Prince. It was passed to me by Rachel and Deb. I read it, admired that chapter, and just realized i do not personally apply it.
I must, because it is simple and beautiful.

Be well, kids!

If you have any book recommendations, please feel free to throw them my way!
  • Current Music
    Cat Power - Living Proof

(no subject)

I really need to re-pay for my LJ account. All of my icons are locked away from me and my soul has sad eyes on that are staring at me from the inside out. Do not approve.

Things are quite good. My Dad went out the other morning and put new windshield wipers on my car. Thankfully he did that as it rained later that night, a pretty angry downpour for a few minutes. It was also the night a few of us got all gothed out for karaoke. Going through some of my old high school wardrobe was amusing. A lot of it was deemed 'freak' clothing due to the obscure use of color. For the first time in 4 years, did makeup that could have shook hands with my eyebrows if it wanted to. Ah, memories.
The 5" boots were amusing. I felt like a jackass trying to get into my car at first. I had to move the steering wheel up and crank my seat way back. XD

The best part wasn't rocking out to Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, JoJo, or Evanescence. For me, it was walking in and seeing the expression of someone i went to high school with out of the corner of my eye. He works at the bar and during our freshman year he used to call me goth and ask if i sacrificed animals.
Surprisingly, if they aren't children or a future burger, they have no true purpose being sacrificed in my book.

Anyway, tomorrow is more karaoke. We've passed the point of addicts. I think, as ENFJs, we are starved for this kind of social interaction. We've latched to one another, found something we are not ashamed to enjoy, and it is our new-found religion. I'm game. The mic is my god and if it still digs me despite much misfortune, then we are solid.

Side note: Deb is nuts. Seriously. I just had the beginning of Mrs. Doubtfire run through my head for some reason. She's still nuts though... and perhaps i am too. Damn. Damn us and our nature and the insanity, oh the insanity.
Why am i still writing? Well because she is here and i am here and there is far too much awakeness happening.

Also, i'm... intrigued. Fascinated, perhaps. The details aren't relevant now.
I need to write something soon. For a while, i was writing tidbits of nonsense before bed and then i stopped. Much to do.
Be well, kids.
  • Current Mood
    chipper chipper

(no subject)

I went to my OCC orientation today and registered. The 10 days i had to wait went by quickly, but somehow still felt like forever. It was pretty amusing at the start. I was handed a "Hi My Name Is" tag that was immediately irrelevant. All of the students were sat in a big circle, awkwardly in silences and trying to avoid staring at people across from them. When they got the ball rolling, it ran really smoothly. I was the first registered and out the door. The only thing that held me up was chitchatting with one of the guides who i had previously seen at karaoke lol.
I dig my schedule, nothing is too early or too late. Now i'm questioning how long i'll stay at OCC or in Jersey. I was thinking that i would be out of there after a year, but now i'm not so sure. Two? Hm. We'll see. Plans do tend to change and i damn well know that.

I'm excited :x. Deb was right about that, but it's a nervous excitement. I have faith in myself now, more than i may have had a year or so ago. Hell, more than i had 6 months ago. I'm just nervous about that faith keeping me afloat. The drive is there.

Tomorrow starts my adventure back to TR Fitness. I'm looking forward to it. I have a good, stable motivator now. That's far better than fickle people or fickle self, though i surely can't do without those :p. My fickle self will just fall in line.
I need to look into dental insurance. I may be able to be covered under my Dad's again for a while, but we're not sure. I would hope so. I need to take better care of myself :nods:. Hmm!

Still on auto-pilot. I'm feeling it out though and getting comfortable with it in the meantime. I wasn't comfortable before and it completely threw me through a loop.
I'm glad for the social life now. My extraversion felt like a desert in need of rain, but too parched of it to long for and appreciate it at first. I'll gladly mold my social life into a more active life though.

Looking forward to Deb's birthday :D. That's soon and will be fantastic. My little kpop crazyperson is going to be a legally-drinking adult :tear:. They grow up so fast ;_;.
I don't know what else. I'm just in J-mode. Still self-absorption mode, but J-mode. A spoonful of Se, it feels like. You don't have to understand that- it's relevant to very few people here :p.
That's all for now.
Be well, kids!
  • Current Mood
    good good

(no subject)

One of these days, I need to go through my posts in elsewhere-land and compile something to throw back into this place. A lot of fantastic sentiments have been formed over there and i need to condense them, bring some of myself back home.

There's a lot to do in a variety of different mediums. Time management is still my problem. That's not to say i don't have a lot of time, i just don't know how to manage all the time i've got. That terrible stint of being unmotivated to even find a purpose to be motivated didn't help much. It's gone now and that's what counts.
It's that bit of hesitation that really does me in. Before i went for my placement test, that hesitation had set in and started to nuzzle itself into a nice cozy place of immobility. I threw myself out of it and felt damn good. All of that is stirring up again and i'm ecstatic for it. :)

Things i need to do as soon as possible-
Get that vacuum into my room where those forsaken june bugs have taken over. (I will get you, you little bastards)
Call up the gyno on Monday and make an appointment.
More laundry - always laundry.
Join TR Fitness again and drag Stacey. (my lovely other xNFJ, who'll doubly make it happen)
Be Deb's lovely ENFJ who makes other workout adventures happen. :)
Orientation and register Thursday!
Burn movies/tv series. Back-up files.
Seek out more laptop information and then obtain laptop.
Clear email and sort email.
Start up those god damn surveys again. It isn't much, but fuckall i'm not allowed to slack on that in the meantime.
Get on a better sleep schedule. For real. I'll kick my own ass if i have to for this... and not setting the best example right this minute.
Paaaaaaint - please god, paint.
Car inspection.

Mmm there's more, but it's time to go to sleep.
Be well, kids.

If you've got tips on time management, please share! Either that or what is taking up your time.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative